Thursday, 23 January 2014

Extra New Essay  Brief Encounter With a Comet: Amy Winehouse

Extra New List:: Best Male Rock Voices


My London blog (photos and ramblings):
www.williamruby.blogspot.co.uk

My novel, Kindness is a City:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kindness-is-a-City-ebook/dp/B009N0DCY4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359279700&sr=8-1

LATEST ESSAY


Brief Encounter with a Comet: Amy Winehouse

Our twins were stillborn at twenty weeks and their ashes scattered in the Children's Garden at Golders Green cemetery. The coffin was a tiny white box for two. There was mist and drizzle that day—it was February 2011—and later, on Tottenham Court Road, some species of confidence trickster got in our faces and there was a scene. It is the nearest I have ever come to attacking a stranger in the street. My wife Kaye pleaded with the man to go away. 'We've lost our children,' she said and he disappeared.     

Six months later, the ashes of another child—a much older child, a famous child, a comet—were on the ground in that same place. We had followed the path of that comet over the previous seven years from a fairly close place. It burnt brightly, and briefly, and was extinguished too soon. Our lives had moved on so little in the time it was in the sky.   

The comet was a singer. We encountered the singer on the way up. The first impression left by the singer lasted, despite all that followed.    

The singer was Amy Winehouse.

September 2004 at the Cross Keys pub on Endell Street, the quiet thoroughfare that gets ignored on the way to Drury Lane, and is sometimes mistaken for it. The Cross Keys nearly burnt to the ground a few years later, survived, has maintained its impressive mane of creeping ivy and hanging baskets.  Kaye and I were on the way in when I spotted the girl, the singer, the one I'd been reading about and listening to, the one whose surprising voice and illicit lyrics and muscular jazz sensibility had so recently grabbed me. She was standing by the road and clearly waiting for somebody. Looked a little anxious—maybe even great talents have people not turn up. And I swear I liked her immediately, warmed to her, took to her just standing there looking vulnerable in a way that was beyond the feeling you get for celebrities spotted in public--that gratitude because they have briefly entered your life.     

Her hair was only part of the way to being heaped then. Her cheeks still had that ruddiness that was later vanquished. She had curves too, edging indeed towards voluptuousness on a tiny frame, and despite the famous bird-like legs. Trainers, so no tottering on high-heals, a then limited catalogue of body illustrations, the facial hair she unusually (and pleasingly) never eradicated, a hard-to-judge balance of hazel and olive in eyes that seemed to reveal constantly shifting things, certainly shyness, some cheek, maybe the realisation that she was an ordinary girl already plunged beyond expectations and not sure how best to enjoy it. A slightly larger jaw than her face deserved already prevented her being beautiful, but it was the most beautiful she was ever going to be.     

Amy's friends arrived—all young men, music industry types of various stamps I guess; it was clear Amy was romantically inclined towards one of these chaps, and this chap bore all the signs of a the young cad who has been there, done that, is with his mates, is not going to show affection even for a starlet—and the drinking began in earnest. The pub was small and seating was limited. Amy chose at one point to sit on a radiator with a wooden cover which acted as a little resting place for beer. My left hand was on the radiator cover and Amy sat on my hand.      I have been apologised to before by relatively famous people. Peter Hooton From the Liverpool band The Farm knocked my kebab to the floor in a Sheffield takeaway just after I'd assured him his band would never have a hit (All Together Now broke a couple of years later). He apologised but we were two pissed blokes in a kebab house, and both from Merseyside, so sarcasm ruled. And Zoe Wanamaker collided with me in the polling station on the Bermerton estate in Islington a year or so ago and said 'sorry'. Her strangely pretty pug dog face was a mask of quiet alarm at the time; the Bemerton is not a place where the Islington glitterati will feel comfortable, being very much on the wrong side of the Caledonian Road, our side. But when Amy Winehouse apologised to me it felt like a real apology—sincere, embarrassed, amused at herself and the situation.    

My left hand has been famous at school ever since. 'Sir is it really true Amy Winehouse sat on your hand?' has become a mantra there.     

Amy did different stuff over those same years.

So that voice, what was it? To the experts it was contralto grit with never fully explored falsetto strengths, a rare Sarah Vaughan and Billie Holliday cross from a white vocal range. Presciently, to Zach Baron of The Daily it was 'an alto croak that suggested damage she hadn't yet done to it', while the New Yorker fixated on her unique transitions and unmatched weird phrasings. Amy had the toughness, and the vulnerability, and the street sense, and an always overlooked mothering instinct of the working girl in that voice. There was cotton dust and Dixie there, too, along with the sex. So, for this listener at least, it was the voice of a world-weary Alabama whore who had sold her soul to the devil. A black whore too, for inward-looking America heard her that way before it clapped eyes on a skinny white girl from London.     

And the devil did have his day.

Frank is a better album than Back to Black. There, it's down on the page. I know you won't agree. Most people discovered Winehouse through her second—huge, influential, vaunted—album, so I'm on pretty safe ground in asserting this. And tuneful, retro sixties girl group pop-soul trumps sometimes discordant pop-jazz, right? Singing about the central failings of your adult life—addiction, the causes of addiction---trumps sometimes flippant late teenage sexual discovery, yes? Even if Back to Back is only thirty-five minutes long (the artistic output was clearly already waning) it's got Love is a Losing Game, see, and everybody knows that's like the best sad love song written since Yesterday. Plus there's all the Grammies, and the iconic new image, yeah—all those tattoos, the little dresses, the hair, the awkward performance ticks, the slow living death—that seared her into the collective consciousness. It's the biggest album of the Noughties, man!     

You make very good points, but you are wrong. Please indulge me: let me take you through the highlights of that first album. When indeed was the last time you listened to it?     

She basically says 'I'm different, aren't I?' in Intro. It is a bold move. She is right. Then there's Stronger Than Me, in which she slips for the first time into her career theme: the fatal attraction to weak men, but does it with the scathing humour we have never encountered before, not like this. For the first time we hear those weird phrasings and singular transitions in You Sent Me Flying, a gorgeous echo of Sarah Vaughan. Listen to this track, and then listen again if you don't get it, for God's sake! No British female performing artist has ever sounded like this—so good, so aware of what her voice is about, so accomplished so young. Plus we've got Fuck Me Pumps, in which new things are expressed in new ways. The observation, the sarcasm, the sheer unalloyed bitchiness she brings to the work is breathtaking (no contrived little rich girl Lily Allen bullshit here). In My Bed was the first single, the first sound, with that sinister muffled percussion, and the cynical weariness that became the mantra of an artist finding her direction. Amy was 'so fucking angry' in Take the Box that she kicked him out. Beyonce would never cuss like that (certainly not in church, but maybe a bit, with Mr Carter, after martinis) but the tenet of her break-up song On the Left seems remarkably similar, similar but incredibly anodyne in comparison, at least to my jaundiced ear. And there is What is it About Men?, where the Winehouse whore tells Amy the girl about the repeated disappointments to come, but does not tell her to stop.     

It is an album about others; it is not just about Amy. Her life was not yet the self-indulgent sideshow to the music. Her unhappiness was not yet her muse. It is as good a British debut album--in any popular music genre at any time--by a solo artist writing most of the songs, and sounds all the better today because we know that so much silence was to follow.

By the time the Beatles split in 1969 George Harrison had thirteen albums under his belt. He was twenty eight years-old. When Amy Winehouse died in July 2011 she was the same age. Albums: two. It is a comparison that some find unkind, but it is nonetheless necessary to make it. Her beloved Camden, and her beloved Blakey, and her million pound performances for Russian oligarchs, and her bloodstained deck shoes, and the emphysema, and those final dreadful, destructive live performances, and the weaknesses that we shouldn't seek to blame those around her for--not really, not when the girl was so wilful--are both testament to and explanation for this shortfall. Lioness I do not listen to. The later recordings on it remind me of playing hack-about five-a-side football with an ageing former football pro many years ago. The evidence of his failing powers was only too obvious to me, his opponent, so I can but imagine how it screamed out to him and spat in his eye. At least the girl never got to hear her final album as it comes out through the speakers. At least she has that.     

And the title, this 'Lioness'. What the fuck is that? Am I alone in believing the girl would have hated that?

From October Song:

With dread I woke in my bed
To shooting pains up in my head
Lovebird, my beautiful bird
Spoke until one day she couldn't be heard
She just stopped singing

On the morning Amy died I was alone at home. It was the first day of my long summer break. I thought of the twins and lay on the bed wrapped in brief sadness. It simply came and went, as is the way with me.    

The news came through late in the afternoon. We had lived just a mile or so apart, but separated by whole worlds. My niece Shannon came down from Southport for a visit on the Monday that followed and we visited the shrine that had sprung up opposite Amy's home. Shannon ended up on Sky and I on CNN. People actually texted to say they had spotted us.     

I have found myself upset. It's not like me. People have grand lives—the lives of comets—and then they don't. My life is a pale grey shuffle in comparison but I do not ask for what these others have.    

But we shared space and time, Amy and Kaye and I, and she lies on the ground with those closest to us. I will return to the Cross Keys one day soon, and see if she is still standing on the pavement there waiting: anxious, lustrous hair, safe yet from our awful attention and from herself.

William Ruby

Latest List:

Best Male Rock Voices

Ozzy Osborne
David Coverdale
Kurt Cobain
Robert Plant
Paul Rogers
Don Henley
Don Burden
Alex Harvey
Jim Morrison
Caleb Followill

Today's essay : Fifty Shades of Shit: the Nadir of Our Cultural Life
Lists: The Greatest British Novels of the 20th Century


See also:

My London blog (photos and ramblings):
www.williamruby.blogspot.co.uk

My novel, Kindness is a City:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kindness-is-a-City-ebook/dp/B009N0DCY4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359279700&sr=8-1


LATEST ESSAY:
Fifty Shades of Shit: the Nadir of Our Cultural Life

There is a small but incontestable set of criteria to mark one out as a cretistine, that singular combination of philistine and cretin. These are:

  • taking the Daily Mail for news and reviews
  • not being totally bored of Adele yet
  • owning all of The Pirates of the Caribbean DVDs
  • believing We Will Rock You is great theatre
  • reading Fifty Shades of Grey

Of these, an affinity with, fondness for or intimate knowledge of Fifty Shades… represents the ultimate—the categorical–testament to a person’s irredeemable level of cultural idiocy.

At the risk of falling on my own drawn dagger by actually knowing of them (I got them from other websites, honest), here are some quotes:

'Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel’; ‘'Her curiosity oozes through the phone';     “My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head. Where was she when I needed her?”; “My subconscious nods sagely, a you’ve-finally-worked-it-out-stupid look on her face”; “I gaze at my mom. Her earlier jubilation has metamorphosed into concern”; "Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one"; "My inner goddess fist pumps the air above her chaise lounge’.

Notice if you will that I have avoided any of the really bad dirty bits. They are beyond parody, beyond sensible analysis. Even without them the quality of writing here would deserve some acute degree of censure and corrective surgery were it offered up by a GCSE English student with a new thesaurus. The synonyms alone would appal a Kentucky trailer park shit-kicker. It is the English language at its very worst: riddled with egregious self-harm, shorn of its beautiful simplicity. Such prose should be sought by nobody, or quarantined within its tiny literary niche, or condemned to the shredder.

Instead, it has been read 65 million times around the world. Sixty-five million times!

That’s twice as many times as To Kill a Mockingbird has been read, four times The Grapes of Wrath and six times Catch-22. The greatest English language novels of the last two decades—Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections and J.M. Coetzee’s Disgrace—have between them garnered a tiny and almost insignificant readership in comparison. I can think of few more depressing literary statistics. That the average published writer of highly readable prose earns less than ten grand a year for their tireless efforts while the ‘artist’ who produced Fifty Shades..is now able to live the life of Marie Antoinette is something I prefer not to pursue too avidly for fear of a violent convulsion.

And not so much simply wrong, this rather is a clear indicator of the new low level of things in western artistic culture. Fifty Shades.. has become totemic of our steeply declining artistic sensibility in a world dominated by big brand obviousness and a crass neglect of personal individual taste. There are other culprits: Harry Potter, the Twilight series, The Da Vinci Code, Simon Cowell, the aforementioned Adele. They have all played their insidious part; but not like Fifty Shades…, not so harmfully, so obviously. The notion that books should be read and films should be seen simply because others are reading them and seeing them is the very least of the motivations for choosing art; instead, it has become the primary—indeed sometimes the only—reason why we read or see them.

Our narrowness has become alarming. We are lazy, and derive pleasure from things in an almost incestuous manner. It is art as inbreeding.

There are those who would claim that the legitimate significance of the book’s huge sales has been some kind of contemporary sexual liberation of a multitude of bored or misunderstood women that has been neglected by its men-folk and by its own erotic timidity. This is crassness upon crassness. Were Christian Grey a fat, balding fifty-five year-old photocopier salesman, then one might argue that the book’s readership was seeking assurance that their own amorous existence could be so, with the men in their lives capable of accompanying them on a new journey to fulfilment. But Christian Grey is a superlative millionaire Adonis, unreachable, idealised, symbolic of age-old fantasies and no more. Were Christian more recognizably a man of the real world as lived by the women imagining him, then these same women would be forced to act on their suggested new impulses and actually make the naughty bedroom thing happen. The fact that most will not—will not in fact actually want to because they see it for what it actually is, porn, ephemera—is the very clearest evidence you could ever need that these women are in fact more sensible of a simple modish event than the patronising promoters of the imagined importance of Fifty Shades..would give them credit for.

They read it because it is rude and harmless, a giggle, something akin to raking fingernails down a male stripper’s buttocks in a pub full of other briefly liberated women.

And were all of the millions indulging in this idiotic nonsense at least cognizant of their postponement of good sense then things would not be so bad. On the contrary I fear that Fifty Shades..will appear for some years to come in a multitude of ‘Top Ten Best Books Wot I’ve Read’ nominations, not least because its salacious nature may have kick-started a habit for reading fiction that had been dormant or near-extinct in a depressingly wide range of folk. People like Fifty Shades.. because it is memorable; memorably bad but stored forever in the very forefront of the frontal lobes of the simpleton, like a red rubber dress is on display in an Ann Summers shop window because more tasteful , hand-stitched cotton will just never do the same trick.

William Ruby

March 2013

Appendix

Oh, if you insist….here’s some of the crap sex bits:

  • Anal: ‘I’d like to claim your ass, Anastasia.’
  • Oral: ‘He’s my very own Christian Grey popsicle.’
  • Bukkake: ‘I open my eyes—I’m draped in Christian Grey.’
  • Indeterminate sexual activity: ‘His finger circled my puckered love cave.’

       ENOUGH!

William Ruby

LATEST LIST:

                   Decline and Fall   by Evelyn Waugh
             A Clockwork Orange   by Anthony Burgess
             Animal Farm   by George Orwell
             Midnight’s Children   by Salman Rushdie
             Titus Groan   by Mervyn Peake
             1984   by George Orwell
             Brighton Rock     by Graham Greene
             The Wind in the Willows   by Kenneth Graham
             To the Lighthouse   by Virginia Woolf
             I, Claudius   by Robert Graves

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Today's essay : What Travel Has Taught Me
Lists: Overrated and Underrated Holiday Destinations


See also:

My London blog (photos and ramblings):
www.williamruby.blogspot.co.uk

My novel, Kindness is a City:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kindness-is-a-City-ebook/dp/B009N0DCY4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359279700&sr=8-1

LATEST ESSAY:


What Travel Has Taught Me

In childhood

That you are supposed to be scared of nature. I got lost in a pine forest near our caravan site at Lowther in Cumbria. It was evening, darkening. I was about nine. The trees got taller as I wandered, then taller still. They were threatening; looming and sinister. They didn’t want me to be there. When I found my way out of the forest I was thrilled: by my escape and by the cold reality of the natural world. That day, I learnt to respect it

That some of the best fun is illicit. My father and brothers fished perch from Coniston Water for countless hours one day. Nobody stopped them; we knew we shouldn’t have been there. The multi-coloured fish were livid and jewelled in the late afternoon light. I looked out at the lake and tried to imagine a blue machine arcing to its doom.

That some of the people you meet briefly are incredible. On St Michael’s Mount in Cornwall was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I was near to her for maybe an hour; like me, she was with her parents, tourists. She knew she was lovely and she knew that I was transfixed by her. Then she was gone. Now I have no idea even what she looked like.

In youth

That if you are a young European student and you go into a Native American reservation bar in Phoenix, Arizona, and get into conversation with middle-aged prostitutes who want to introduce you to their ‘daughters’ back at trailer parks outside the city, then you’re asking for trouble. Likewise if you take a short cut through the roughest neighbourhood in New Orleans to save a bit of time. And hang around New York’s Port Authority bus terminal too long back in 1987. Oh, and sit next to a guy with a kitchen knife in the back pocket of his jeans on a Greyhound bus heading to Baltimore, particularly if he is foaming at the mouth.

That people of other nationalities will infer certain things about you simply because you are English. The little Spaniard beach attendant at Lloret de Mar had a quite obviously set view when he accused you of inventing Concord and living in Buckingham Palace but being totally unable to put up a ‘fucking umbrella’.

That people doing menial jobs in the tourist industry do not have to like you. I only told the young Algarve waiter that one of the legs of our table was too short. He thought I meant one of his legs. The tight-lipped sarcasm and long-suffering I saw in his subservient smile has been memorable to me ever since.

That you need to sometimes just stand and stare. You’ve taken a group of your pupils to Crans Montana in the Switzerland, and are excited about skiing for the first time. You realise that you aren’t going to be much good at it and you sulk a little (you are twenty-five). You begin to wish you hadn’t agreed to come but then discover an incredible thing: the snow-capped Alps in April sun: Monte Rosa, the Matterhorn, and the Mont Blanc Massif. You have seen wonderful sights since, but nothing better.

That landscape has a character that has to be learnt. Endless ambulation along the paths and lanes of Lancashire’s Hodder Valley and Derbyshire’s Manifold Valley over many years of helping teenagers earn Duke of Edinburgh expedition awards has lent an appreciation of nuance, detail, the love of familiar things that the casual observer might find mundane. Still today, I have a stronger feeling for farming landscapes than I do for wildernesses. Wildernesses are to be admired, feared, left to their own sometimes ferocious devices. Farming landscapes can be wild places still, but are clipped and neatened by the loving hand of man.

That were Scottish midges ten or twenty times their natural size, they would rule the earth.

That you truly can’t understand a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes, even if it is on holiday. The paleness of my skin drew attention in Kenya on more than one occasion. I was studied unceremoniously, and I felt the eyes upon me. Briefly I was that proverbial ‘Man Who Is Everywhere’, abused on the street in Nairobi by men who would never know me. When my shorts came off in the Indian Ocean surf (an accident!) at Mombasa and those African mothers covered their children’s eyes, I could surely be forgiven for detecting that they may have been sparing their offspring the offence of my colour, along with obvious other things.

That you will delight in the unexpected. The mountains of central Turkey were at least a match for any of its glorious coastline. The fact that we weren’t supposed to have seen them this close was an added bonus. We will gloss over the standard of our minibus driver’s road skills; indeed, all of the travel arrangements. Suffice it to say: fuck me.

In relative maturity

That food enjoyed on holiday will become increasingly important to you. Those pasteis de nata delighted you in Lisbon, and then that steak in Calgary was the best you ever tasted. You survived (just!) the eating nightmare that is Cuba, only to soon after discover foodie heaven in Madrid through the ornate doors of the Mercado San Miguel. Here, for example, is to be found lots and lots and lots of pata negra, God’s ultimate gastronomic gift to Man, courtesy of the humble acorn and some fat black pigs. Travel, eat, live.

That you will tap more and more into atmosphere rather than spectacle. The melancholy of the still bullet-ridden Jewish ghetto in Budapest is counterpoint to good-natured Euro-centric love-ins to be had in Hamburg pubs during World Cup matches. So too the regret so keenly felt in autumnal Krakow when contrasted to sun-drenched Dubrovnik cocktail bars; war touched both of these places, but the former wants to bottle the awful memories that the latter seems to wants to let go.

That you will search for and keep unusual souvenirs of your travels: a shiny white cobblestone from a Lisbon street, a paprika-stained restaurant flier from Hungary, the cork from a bottle of 1999 vintage Penfolds Grange from Australia, a very poor sketch of oneself on a paper napkin, by a beach urchin in Hawaii. You look like Harold Lloyd in it. You will keep all of these things in a little box of memories.

That you will also start to revert to a form of childhood on your travels, revelling in occasional non-conformity and mischief. This might include getting yelled out for touching the marbles of the Parthenon or getting yelled at for touching the apron of the pitch at Real Madrid’s sacred Bernabéu . It may even manifest as a nudge from a knee into the small of the back of a particularly brattish and noisy American child on a cruise ship heading to Athens (or was it Split?), particularly if his parents are not watching and it means he ends up face-first in his own ice cream.

That you will begin to realise that time will win and you won’t get to see everything after all. So you will plan your travel destinations even more assiduously, anticipate your travel with a keenness that can still surprise you, savour its significant moments all the more calculatedly.

And finally………

That you may discover relatively late in life that travelling somewhere simple and enchanting (say, the English Lake District in early spring, with snow still dusting the fells and a crisp light illuminating all its beauty) is one of the greatest pleasures that good fortune and opportunity can bestow, particularly if love has travelled with you to that place, and these pleasures are shared.

Latest Lists

Overrated Holiday Destinations

Hawaii
Ibiza
Barcelona
Australia
Thailand
Cape Town
Vegas
Florida
Amsterdam
Dubai


Underrated Holiday destinations

Lisbon
Lanzarote
Marseille
Non-coastal Turkey
Vancouver
Northumberland
Bruges
Monetenegro
Madrid
Winchester


Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Latest Essay: George Osborne
Latest List: Best British Prime Ministers

See also:

My London blog (photos and ramblings):
www.williamruby.blogspot.co.uk

My novel, Kindness is a City:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kindness-is-a-City-ebook/dp/B009N0DCY4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359279700&sr=8-1


Latest Essay:


The Most Hateful Tory: George Osborne

Let me assert from the outset that I dislike Tories. I dislike the gimlet eyes and ragged teeth, the barely-thwarted misanthropy, the evangelistic devotion to an inherently flawed politico-economic construct of capitalism (with or without its oxymoronic 'caring face'), the shuffling discomfort in the company of foreign people and black people. A belief in the infallibility of the private sector (in some peoples' experience five blokes standing around a hole in high-visibility tabards while one bloke in a high-visibility tabard works in the hole) is as alarming as finding out that really very clever Rowan Williams actually seeks ineradicable truths from racially inaccurate plaster representations of rural Middle Eastern folk who don't even know they've become famous over the last two millennia.

And I do not mean to include all politically conservative or right-wing people in this diatribe, but rather the singular fusty beast called the English Conservative Party Member, in particular that rare breed generous enough with their time to rise to the level of Cabinet Minister and heal the nation. I rather like, or liked: Edmund Burke, Russell Kirk, Gore Vidal. I enjoyed the late-flowering of Christopher Hitchens' dalliance with the American Right, and I am fascinated by the right-wing voting habits of little Ronnie Corbett.

I do not like, have not liked, in fact I find hateful: Margaret Thatcher (possessed of a legendary personal charm that was carried to its death by the tsunami of her grotesque policies), Winston Churchill (the rampaging class war bully, not the so-called Saviour of a Nation), Cecil Parkinson (fop), Michael Howard (the personification of a vampire bat staring menacingly through your front windows), John Redwood (because of that Welsh national anthem horror show: political judgement sub-educational special needs), Robert Peel (started it all, him), Stanley Baldwin (fop), Anthony Eden (fop), Harold McMillan (exponent of gross misjudgement of the popular mood Sine Pare), Jeffrey Archer (where do we start?), Enoch Powell (racist fool), Nigel Lawson (privilege and oil somehow perfectly blended), Edwina Currie (spiteful, bedraggled usurper of the cuckolded Norma Major), Michael Gove (sinister drooling Pinocchio).......should I stop now?

They are, or were, awful, every one of them, stamping their England with an identity too easily recognised and derided around the world as Blimpish, haughty, reactionary and cold.

And yet they have a modern champion who has risen beyond them all—a conduit to the chastening Tory waters if you like, vaunted and corporeal, a golden calf of the Right, a man who embodies so many of their collective qualities in one turtle-eyed, moist-lipped, alabaster-skinned, big-bottomed package. None can match him.

Step forward Right Honourable Gideon George Oliver Osborne, BA, MP, Chancellor of the Exchequer.

You are TMHATO: The Most Hateful Tory.

Some facts about Gideon:
     • Gideon's first and only job outside politics involved typing the names of the dead into an NHS computer
     • He once folded towels (presumably sneeringly, and with a moist mouth) in Selfridges
     • He is godfather to Dave's kids
     • Dave is godfather to Gideon's kids
     • His 15% share of his father's Osborne and Little wallpaper company is estimated to be worth £4 million
     • His mother is called Felicity Loxton-Peacock. It is not known if she shops at Iceland.
   • He is descended from the Irish aristocracy—the 'Ascendency'—and heir to baronetcies in both County Tipperary and County Waterford
     • He edited The Bullingdon's own Isis magazine at Oxford whilst almost certainly throwing bread rolls around. This was a few years after Dave and Boris had thrown similar bread rolls around the same restaurants
     • He claimed £47 from the public purse for two copies of a DVD showing his own speech on 'Providing Value For Taxpayers' Money', part of a suggested (but never proven) £55,000 enjoyed in this way over some years before the expenses scandal broke
     • He has not paid £55,000 back into the public purse
     • George Osborne was a character in W. M. Thackeray's Vanity Fair. Gideon Osborne was not.
     • Gideon is married to a writer, The Hon Mrs Frances Osborne, née The Hon Frances Victoria Howell, daughter of former MP David Howell (and now Tory Peer, Baron Howell of Guildford). Her novel Park Lane features class-divided members of a substantial Mayfair household in suffragette-age London discovering that class is actually no divide really if you put your mind to it.
     • Gideon once 'passed the ice cube' to ginger pop Royalist Geri Halliwell during a game at a party. We cannot reveal how exactly the ice cube was passed, but we shudder anyway.
     • Ok, it's not a fact but most observers maintain that it was Gideon's indebtedness to discredited News of the World editor Andy Coulson for downplaying dominatrix Natalie Rowe's expose about Gideon, cocaine, and her, that landed that particularly discredited wordsmith the job of political adviser at Number Ten.
     • No investigation ever took place of Gideon's reported illegal request of a very large sum of money from a billionaire to back the latest Tory election campaign, in what came to be known as 'Yachtgate'
     • Gideon changed his first name to George because he didn't really like Gideon (and it's truly the best decision he ever made)


As an itemisation of Tory Evil, the above list might not seem particularly exceptional, certainly so in the context of the current cabal of salivating millionaire dogs that make up the Coalition cabinet. Indeed it is marginally innocuous—a bit of nepotism here, a dash of hypocrisy there, shaken not stirred with the silver spoon of privilege.

No where Gideon stands alone is, as it maybe should be, in politics and the personal delivery of those politics. He is the most political of Chancellors and—maybe because of it, maybe not—starting to look like the worst of Chancellors. It is not only his (apparently highly influential) ideological commitment to the never-quite-explained 'shrinking of the state' that appals those who are respectful and admiring of the state's long-standing central role in a liberal free nation like Britain, but the impression he manages to give in every appearance in the House, in every interview, in his every utterance, of a smug amusement at the idea of the state—which is not the public, but rather less than that; an idea millionaire Tories cannot seem to grasp--being shrunk and the public not liking it. Not only does his faintly autistic, limpet-like adherence to internationally discredited deficit (but not debt) reduction plans make one feel constantly slightly ill, but the smug and dismissive way in which he defends his continual failure to resuscitate the economy is a bitter pill indeed.

There has seldom been a politician who appears so much to think of politics and high office as an intellectual game. Thatcher was the polar opposite: a zealot to Gideon's smarmy Devil's advocate. The twenty thousand pounds-a-night public speaking appearances that will flow in after he is removed from office will be easily scripted; one fears that Gideon is already using his experience of playing with our lives to provide the grist for that particularly lucrative mill.

The City thinks Gideon inexperienced, over-promoted, self-satisfied. Its enemy the public does not demur. A son of Notting Hill—that most socially divided part of London--he is an urban Tory, and therefore intimately aware of how the spiralling inequality his government's policies are creating will have real impact on those who live just yards away from his childhood home, and in a way that his shire county colleagues simply cannot. He is vindictive then, and as empathy deficient as the highland Laird who watched impassively as his poorest neighbours were pushed to the sea.

David Beckham's early career grin was a shy, endearing defence. Am I alone in noticing that it has mutated into an over-rehearsed 'Here I Am Again!' rictus in more recent times? Gideon's smile never changes whatever the lie of the political land. Look again and spend some time with it. You will see what I see in the small, dark, intelligent eyes and in the pursing of those rather sensual Botticelli lips: some malevolence, great amusement barely held at bay, and the coldness that accompanies a life of effortless calculation.

William Ruby

Latest List:

Best British Prime Ministers (positive impact on the nation)

               Grey (Reform Act, abolition of slavery)
               Campbell-Bannerman (free trade, Irish Home Rule, free school meals, support of unions)
               Atlee (NHS, nationalisation of public utilities, state welfare, decolonisation)
               Pitt the Younger (facilitating the move from the ‘old’ to the’ new’ worlds without revolution)
               Churchill (but only for the war years, otherwise he was a nasty Tory reactionary)

Monday, 20 January 2014

Latest Essay: People of the Cally
Latest List: The Best Things About London

See also:

My London blog (photos and ramblings):
www.williamruby.blogspot.co.uk

My novel, Kindness is a City:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kindness-is-a-City-ebook/dp/B009N0DCY4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359279700&sr=8-1


Latest Essay:


People of the Cally

Despite the best efforts of the millionaire club of white men currently running the country inner city London remains just about the most socially and racially diverse place on earth. And I live in the most diverse bit of this very diverse inner city; reportedly over two hundred languages come through the gates of my local primary school each morning with the children (an unofficial world record). However, before any disorientated Daily Mail reader out there starts to froth and vent about the coming of Sharia Law and the apparent End of Times, I think it timely to assert that London English (Longlish, we should call it) rightly still prevails within this very rich local linguistic brew. Innit, boss. You get me, fam?

When I pop down to the shops on the local high street I am rubbing shoulders with people who owe their origins to societies and cultures from every inhabited continent, whether they be first, second or third generation immigrants, or indeed are of the mongrel tradition that has given a grateful world the white Englishman. The social and class status of these people vary greatly; no inner city--not least London--is complete without its bohemian colonists and its inbred and incorrigible dregs. I sit in Kigi's cafe having Turkish grilled chicken, chips and salad with TV producers and transgender pamphleteers, market stallholders and muggers.

I live on the Cally. That is Caledonian Road, King's Cross, Islington.

It is a remarkable place. These are its people.

There are the Turks who own a very large minority of the shops and cafes and stalls and minicab firms between the railway bridge near Pentonville Prison and Copenhagen  Street, the true heart of the Cally. These Turks are in the main friendly, hard-working and fierce, if roused; it is perhaps no coincidence that Turkish-influenced areas of the city were little-visited by rioters in the summer of 2011. They stayed up through the night in large numbers to defend their livelihoods at all costs (the rioters clearly had some sense). Among their number is Uncle Eric, former Cally kebab shop manager turned cabbie. He told me recently that London is his home, Turkey a memory. After thirty years away from Istanbul he went back to visit family there and was mugged in a busy street. Rob a Turk on the Cally and you may suffer a legion of insistent visitations.

The white, working-class population that likes to imagine it is the indigenous elite of the Cally lives chiefly in the area to the West of the road, massed particularly in the Bemerton Estate and its outrigger apartment blocks. The Bemerton enjoys levels of socio-economic deprivation almost unmatched across the city. People walk slowly here, or not at all, on crutches and Zimmer frames, or in bad ways on bad feet in ill-fitting clothes. I see little resentment for the 'new people' writ large among the white Cally folk who never moved out to the city's suburbs, but one still senses its existence in glances and gestures and poor jokes overheard in passing.

Dave Elvis, who changed his name by deed poll from Dave something-else, can often be encountered in Joe's Cafe or the Tarmon pub performing Memphis classics (the pub has karaoke as a conduit for Dave's singing, Joe's does not). He even made it through one round of X-Factor a few years ago. A skeletal local eccentric in an outsized white jump suit and huge shades, Dave has no idea how bad he is, and few are inclined to tell him. His localness insures him against ridicule and censure. He is at home.

In many ways of course, I am not at home. One old-timer told me I would never be of the Cally because I'd not been born of the Cally. I would have got the same sort of answer from a Maasai warrior herding his cattle on the Mara.

To the east of the Cally lies Barnsbury, the expansive tree-lined area centred on Thornhill's original Georgian model estate. Got a spare two million and you can bag yourself something modest up on the hill (or more likely the lower slopes nearer the Cally's grime). Four million and we're really talking. Tony Blair once lived up there, as today does half of the BBC and a fair smattering of the maybe less reactionary City banker type (Gerrard's Cross is just too far away from Cornhill and Le Coq D'Argent you see, and it would be nice for the kids to get a sense of living in the city with, well, you know, normal sorts of people and black people and stuff). This upper middle-class gentrification has long been in the making but is still nonetheless astonishing given its close proximity to the urban blight and poverty just across the road. There are incursions onto the Cally by the posh people but they are undertaken briefly and in plain clothes. Luxurious Upper Street sits hubristically on top of the hill like a Siren calling to them from the shore.

A small but significant West Indian population has been here since the 1970's and is very well-integrated. Young grandmothers with braided hair talk proper north London cockney in loud voices while herding large groups of small children about. Gentlemen in vests stand drinking cans of Red Stripe in the doorway of betting shops. Everybody's Friend (as I call him), a genial guy who is never without a black bandana on his head and who works in the Clockwork Pharmacy takes his seat outside Kigi's every lunch time to bestow kisses and largesse on absolutely everybody who walks past. I have never encountered a single other human being who knows so great a range of other people by name!

Trundling slowly onto the Cally from the Bemerton in a mobility vehicle is the elderly Trinidadian man who greets everybody as his brother, male or female. I have pushed him off the cobbles outside the health centre on several occasions. He broke wind loudly once during such an operation and claimed it was an explosion up at Holloway.

Northern and eastern Africans are increasingly in evidence: on street stalls, in pound shops, in Ethiopian and Eritrean cafes and in halal butchers. The Menelik restaurant right opposite Kigi's features occasional late-night shenanigans with machetes and is avoided by polite society (or at least the Cally variety). I am informed that old tribal grievances are only very reluctantly confined to history. One north African guy occasionally works a fruit and veg stall whilst clearly in the grip of Tourettes Syndrome. You can get more than your change from him if you play your cards right. He potters around outside the Kennedy's pub but is never allowed in. People glance out through its windows to see him barking at them. He appears to have no home.

Undeniably the Cally has been known for crime. Which area of inner city London has not? Gangs made the area their home a long time ago. Gun battles were being conducted in the Copenhagen Street area well before the First World War. The Cally was a Mecca for the fencing of stolen goods of all kinds from the 1920's through to the 1960's. By the 1950's it was the loosely affiliated White family bossing affairs on the local streets, by the 1980's it was the even more notorious Adams family (and that's no joke).
Bemerton Street gained a reputation as a particular no-go area for the police after the second war, a stigma that lasted until maybe twenty years ago. In 1955 a cache of IRA weaponry was discovered at number 257 Caledonian Road, just one incident in a long-running history of London-based Republican 'safe houses' in the area, and evidence of a much larger Irish population at that time. Stray King's Cross prostitutes were still occasionally conducting business in the little gardens on Bingfield Street within the last decade.

Quite a few dangerous prisoners have escaped the high cream battlements of Pentonville and merged with the local landscape. Their infamous executed fellow inmates--Crippin, Cristie, Heath et al--were dispatched within the prison grounds and are buried behind the wall close to the road. I wonder how many people passing by actually know this.
Today the nefarious nature of the Cally appears to be waning. There has been the odd shocking, high-profile crime in the area in recent years but one does not any longer get a sense of tiptoeing through territory that has been staked out for generations by feudal scumbags. The feared and hated Naish Court flats are now long gone. The grey joggers of the young street drug dealers are harder to spot, fewer car windows are being smashed in the night, fewer sirens heard. One can only hope that the children playing at the Crumbles Castle adventure playground do not grow up with the same unlawful intent of so many of their adult cousins, their dads, their granddads.

Students abound now. Central St Martin's College and swathes of newly built (and highly unattractive!) accommodation within the gigantic King's Cross regeneration scheme have seen to that. I spot these young eastern Asian students walking blithely down Bingfield Street on trips to the Cally: nonchalant fish-out-of-water types who wouldn't know a Terry Adams from a Terry Wogan. I wish them well; I hope they will invest at least a little sense of belonging in their new home. I'm not sure many of them know how lucky they are. 

Indeed some of the less lucky ones end up housed in Andrew Panayi's lightless underground rabbit warrens (he featured as the Rackman-like villain landlord in the BBC's excellent recent documentary The Secret History of Our Streets). I suppose though that their time here will be brief, their apparent privations soon ended.

There are other people of the Cally who will never live anywhere else.

I too will be leaving this place soon. It will be a huge wrench to go. These recent years have been both rich and fraught for me, and the Cally has figured very large in them. When one grows up in a quiet down-at-heels suburb of a fading northern seaside resort, a community like the Cally offers a variety of unimagined experiences. I am unlikely to ever live in a place like it again, but I will remember it--and its people- with a fondness that has always surprised me. It is my sort of place.

As Dave Elvis would sing,

I don't need a mansion on a hill
That overlooks the sea


William Ruby


Latest List:

The Best Things About London

Look Left, Look Right signs
Free museums
Anonymity
Vastness
Food variety
Diversity
The Thames
Public transport
Street markets

History

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Latest Essay: The Neglected Football Masterpiece

Latest List: Best Ever World Cup Goals

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say’. ~Anaïs Nin

‘I try to leave out the parts that people skip’. ~Elmore Leonard

Welcome

You have found my writing blog. Principally a novelist and essayist, I enjoy writing on a very wide range of subjects.

I am also a life-long maker of lists, so an at least vaguely associated list will appear with each new essay. They are intended to get you thinking and maybe disagreeing, occasionally to prick your anger, to force you to confront your own views.

My novel ‘Kindness is a City can be found at 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kindness-is-a-City-ebook/dp/B009N0DCY4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359279700&sr=8-1.

It costs just 70 pence to download!

Please add your comments. I look forward to discovering them and will respond as soon as possible.

I ALSO KEEP A LONDON BLOG, A MIXTURE OF ORIGINAL PHOTOS, OBSERVATIONS AND DISCUSSION ABOUT THE GREATEST CITY ON EARTH.................www.williamruby.blogspot.co.uk/



LATEST ESSAY:


The Neglected Football Masterpiece 

That was my most beautiful game. What happened in those two hours encapsulated all the sentiments of life itself
                                                                                                       -Michel Platini  

It is not often that I find myself in agreement with that pompous, arch self-promoter Michel Platini, but when he describes the 1982 World Cup semi-final between his beloved France and West Germany as 'perfect', I concur wholeheartedly.

That this was two years before Platini bestrode the grand old game like a colossus as France were triumphant on home soil in the European Championships, and that France were actually beaten by the West Germans in an agonising and protracted manner, tells you something about the undeniable quality of the game.

It was perhaps the greatest in World Cup history.  

In a tournament dominated by the Paulo Rossi-inspired salvation of scandal-ravaged Italy and, in particular, by the memory of his mugging of an imperiously gifted Brazil side in that classic cut and thrust encounter in Barcelona, the Platini game has been largely sidelined, remembered in many quarters only for showcasing the most notorious foul in football history.

And this is a real shame, because, for the 63,000 present on a stiflingly hot July night in Seville's stadium, and for the millions watching around the globe, it provided a mix of tension, of high sporting drama and, ultimately, of a widely-felt sense of outrage to accompany a quality of football rarely seen before or since.

The most striking impression, watching the match at a distance of more than 30 years, is of a less disciplined yet more intelligent game than is played today. Every outfield player appears to have had greater autonomy. Both teams passed and moved with thoughtful fluidity; they bristled with intelligent purpose.

As to the facts of that night.

The game ended 3-3 after extra-time and the Germans went through to the final by virtue of a penalty shoot-out, the first of it's kind at this level. The French led 3-1 at one stage, having conceded the first goal. That old predator Karl-Heinz Rummenigge turned the game from the substitute's bench. The pitch did not bear the thick mowed lines that have become standard across world football today, and that make most pitches indistinguishable from each other. It had dark patches on it, like a (very good) recreation ground pitch might have. The French midfield of Giresse, Tigana, Genghini and Platini was sublime; they were the dashing musketeers of football in those years. The referee was the rather portly (and clearly short-sighted) Charles Corver, of the Netherlands. Several of the French players wore their shirts outside their shorts. The Germans did not. Shorts were very short indeed and socks were rolled down. Nobody was quite sure how France had got so far after being mauled by the ultimately pedestrian England in their very first game. The Germans were markedly bigger than the rather skinny, diminutive Frenchmen. The goalkeepers didn't make much effort to save the penalties they faced, unless they were very poor penalties indeed.

And West German goalkeeper Harald 'Tony' Schumacher put France forward Patrick Battiston in hospital with what were thought to be, at one stage, life-threatening injuries, the result of a foul that nobody who has followed football in recent decades will ever forget.

More specifically:

During the early stages Germany were in charge. Paul Breitner, the only survivor of West Germany's 1974 World Cup-winning side, had retired from the national team but been persuaded back by Derwall: playing now not at full-back but in central midfield, Breitner had become his team's marshal. He would set off on diagonal runs, driving into space in French territory, spearing passes for his colleagues to run on to. A sense of purpose coursed through German moves.

In the 17th minute Breitner cadged the ball off midfield grafter Wolfgang Dremmler just inside the France half and, seeing space ahead of him, burst into it, brushing off Didier Six's feeble challenge. Breitner headed towards the middle then, faced by a wall of blue, veered off towards the left before stabbing the ball with the outside of his right foot perfectly into the path of Klaus Fischer. Jean-Luc Ettori rushed out from his goal and dived at Fischer's feet: he blocked the run but failed to gather the ball, which rolled slowly back out towards the edge of the penalty area. It was teed up nicely for young Pierre Littbarski, West Germany's find of the tournament, who drilled it through a litter of French bodies and into the net.

One-nil.

Where the West Germany players seemed to have settled to a similar tempo, the same speed of thought and movement, the French were more moody. Marius Trésor and Bernard Janvion in the middle of the defence and Maxime Bossis on the right all had their socks rolled down, Bossis with his shin-pads flapping out, as if to flaunt their insouciance. Up front the team were light and lop-sided. Dominique Rocheteau had made his name as a pacy right-winger at Saint-Etienne. Fans of Les Verts called Rocheteau 'The Green Angel', although his looks belied both his work-rate and, rare for a footballer, his political awareness: known for his left-wing views and association with the Revolutionary Communist League, today Rocheteau is head of the National Commission of Ethics of the French Football Association.

Playing as a lone striker, however, was too great a burden, especially as he received little help from Six - a winger with corkscrew hair, an ornamental player out on the left who occasionally drifted inside to scant purpose.

If the France forwards suffered in comparison with those behind them, it could be said that so would anyone. The midfield was led by Platini, described by one journalist as 'the lead violin in a sophisticated string quartet'. Patrolling the ground between centre circle and opposition penalty area, Platini was invariably in the right place to receive a pass and did so alone, when one might have expected an opponent to be beside him. He then became the still centre of a hurtling world, aware of all that could happen. For a moment it was as if the other players became satellites of his calm mind. He would make a pass into inexplicable space, which it would take a second or two for the game to catch up with: Bossis or Jean Tigana ran on to the ball, and only then could everyone see how exquisite the pass was.

The rest of the quartet was not bad. Alain Giresse, just 5ft 4in, had a good engine and a lovely cushioned touch with his right boot. Tigana, a team-mate of Giresse at Bordeaux, had not become a professional until his early twenties, spotted as an amateur while working as a postman. Though slight, and elegant, Tigana was a powerful runner with the ball. He also had a markedly slow heartbeat and tremendous stamina.

The fourth member was Bernard Genghini, a leggy left-footer as elegant as, if a little less effective than, his colleagues. 'Four artists,' as Brian Glanville puts it in The History of the World Cup, 'no real hard man, no tackler, among them.'

Having scored their goal, there was no let-up in West Germany's attacking momentum. But France, too, began to string passes together. Trésor drove forward in a manner rarely seen from stoppers today. Full-back Manny Kaltz caught Genghini after the ball had gone. Genghini bit him back, but France had the free-kick, midway between centre circle and penalty area on the left-hand side. Giresse floated the ball with the outside of his right foot into the right-hand side of the area. Platini outjumped Dremmler to head the ball towards the six-yard line, where Berndt Förster made his clearing volley easier by wrestling Rocheteau out of the way with an arm around his waist. Corver had no hesitation in blowing his whistle and pointing to the penalty spot.

Platini kissed the ball before placing it on the spot, and walking backwards. On the goalline, chewing gum, gloved hands on hips, Harald Schumacher glared at the ball, at Platini, at the effrontery of a penalty awarded against West Germany. Platini kept walking back. For a moment it looked like he might forget to stop walking. He reached the edge of the penalty area, and still kept going. Was he intimidated by Schumacher's cold-eyed gaze? Still he kept retreating, right through the arc outside the penalty area. Finally Platini stopped, began walking, then jogging, back. Schumacher flung himself to his left. Platini struck the ball with the flat of his right foot, sending it just inside the opposite post.

One-all, after 27 minutes.

West Germany resumed possession. The game was rougher 30 years ago than it is today. The France left-back Manuel Amoros had got away with hacks at Littbarski; now Tigana, scuttling with the ball out of defence after a West German attack had been repelled, was brutally taken out by Dremmler in a way that now would earn an instant yellow card, at least. In fact the fould count is very high; fortunately we are years away too from the diving, histrionics and mock outrage that expresses much of professional football at the highest level today.

Trésor made another irruption into the West German half, passing the ball, continuing his run towards the left-hand corner flag, receiving the return pass, laying the ball back to Amoros, who crossed. Six flicked it on ineffectually, too far from Platini, too close to the goalkeeper. Schumacher contrived not only to gather the ball unimpeded but to keep moving and thump Platini's thigh with his shoulder. Platini, wincing, complained. It was an act of petty aggression for which Schumacher knew he would receive no punishment - he had the ball in his hands, no referee would have given a penalty - but it was a taste of what was to come.

The second half was barely under way when Rocheteau received the ball in an unthreatening position out on the right, facing his own goal, whereupon Berndt Förster, running up behind him, jumped and somehow kneed Rocheteau in the shoulder. It was an imbecilic assault, for which Förster was fortunate to receive only a yellow card.

Genghini had taken a knock and, unable to run it off, was replaced. As Patrick Battiston ran on to the pitch a West German cross from the right drifted all the way over to Bossis, who controlled the ball, dummied first to pass it back, then to hoof it upfield, only to waltz around Felix Magath and Fischer before releasing the ball to Tigana on the right. Tigana slipped it inside to Battiston, who played a one-two with Giresse then sped forward, fresh legs devouring ground, before blasting a left-footed shot narrowly wide..

West Germany continued their pressing game. Midfielder Magath was like a little eel, slipping into pockets of space. Breitner played his sharp passes, probing for a way through the ribs of the French defence. But the defence stood firm.

France began to take the upper hand. A Platini free-kick ten yards outside the West German area cannoned off the wall. Giresse floated a lovely pass from just inside his own half, out on the left. On the edge of the penalty area, Rocheteau seemed to judge the flight of the ball better than Berndt Förster: it drifted beyond the German, bounced once, and Rocheteau scuffed it past the onrushing Schumacher. But the referee had blown, deciding Rocheteau had impeded Förster.

Then Platini cut in from the left, dribbling past Kaltz across the face of the area, feinting past Uli Stielike, but shooting wide. The ball was swallowed by the sea of French fans. Many waved tricolores, while close-ups showed others with cymbals, trumpets, hooters. They were having a good time. Schumacher stood glaring, waiting for the ball to come back, but it was held on to, less by an individual, it seemed, than by the crowd as a whole. When, eventually, a Fifa technician gave Schumacher a fresh ball, he mimicked hurling it at the French fans, before taking the goal-kick. Had we just seen a humorous gesture - 'Would you like this ball, too?' - or was it mockingly aggressive? After some seconds of surprised silence, boos began to be heard.

Barely a minute later came the incident that has acquired such notoriety. Bossis won the ball with a superb tackle on Dremmler, and passed to Tigana, who laid it inside to Platini. With a momentary glance Platini appraised the scene before him, saw Battiston charging forward and floated the ball into the air.

The pass had just the height, pace and backspin to take it beyond Karl-Heinz Förster, to a spot where Battiston would reach it before the sweeper Uli Stielike, coming from the left, or Harald Schumacher charging out.

Battiston got to the ball first and kicked it over the oncoming keeper's head. Everyone's gaze followed the ball, which bounced narrowly wide of goal, so people only glimpsed that Schumacher had made contact with Battiston. Watching replays, it was clear what had happened. As the German journalist Ulrich Hesse-Lichtenberger puts it: 'Just prior to crashing into Battiston he [Schumacher] did a little jump and turned his upper body in order to ease the impact. Ease it for himself, that is, as the helpless Battiston was hit in the face by Schumacher's hipbone with full force, immediately going down unconscious.'

France players - and the West Germany captain, Kaltz - surrounded the stricken man and began waving for help. The French physio and doctor ran on, and immediately called for a stretcher. By grim chance the Seville police had, for some unknown reason, barred Red Cross officials from the sidelines. It took three minutes for a stretcher to appear, lifted up from some basement store beneath the stands. Eventually uniformed men with Red Cross armbands trotted on.

Schumacher, meanwhile stood, impassively at the edge of his six-yard box, ball under one arm, the other hand on his hip. According to Hesse-Lichtenberger: 'His body language said: "Get the guy off the pitch so that I can take my goal-kick."'

Giresse and Janvion came to the touchline to tell their manager, Michel Hidalgo, what had happened to Battiston, and to work out how to rearrange the team, only for a FIFA official to step between them, since coaches were forbidden from discussing tactics with their players during the match. Hidalgo, furious, grumbled back to the dug-out.

One might have thought the captain would have been the one to confer with the manager. But not this one. Platini later said that he thought his team-mate was dead. 'He had no pulse. He looked so pale.' Finally Battiston was carried off, accompanied on one side by a medic, on the other by Platini, who walked along bent towards Battiston's ashen face. The unconscious player's right arm flopped over the side of the stretcher, and Platini took Battiston's hand. He spoke softly to him as he walked. As they neared the edge of the pitch, Platini raised Battiston's hand and kissed it.

Battiston lost two teeth, had three cracked ribs and damaged vertebrae, and was unconscious for almost half an hour. But now that he was off the pitch, play restarted, with indeed a goal-kick for West   Germany, and no word of reprimand for Schumacher.

A new substitute, Christian Lopez, came on for France and play got going. It appeared that if anything West Germany had been chastened by the incident, while France were hunting the ball. A purposeful fury seemed to burn through the team. Once, when the ball ran loose out on the left, Trésor chased after it and took off for a tackle like a long-jumper, a murderous, studs-up lunge from which Kaltz wisely stepped aside. While the referee reproved Trésor, Platini walked behind and ruffled his hair in blatant approval.

The atmosphere crackled, with a feeling less of a sporting occasion than of some événement, as if the players and the crowd were not in a sporting arena but all out on the street, and anything could happen.

France attacked with further swift interchanges. But they could not score and now West Germany, midway through the half, began to stir again. Hans-Peter Briegel galvanised his team with one of his powerful runs out of defence. Magath almost got through on the left. Dremmler shot from the right, Ettori getting down well to hold on to the ball.

After 72 minutes little Magath was replaced by his Hamburg club-mate, blond giant Horst Hrubesch, known as Das Kopfball-Ungeheuer, the Heading Beast. Hrubesch was just about as big as Briegel, who was 'a human Panzer division in himself', according to Brian Glanville. Kaltz, Schumacher, the Förster brothers, too, could easily be imagined playing starring roles in some war film. It was hard not to notice the marked contrast to the multiracial French. Trésor had been born in Guadeloupe, Janvion in Martinique, Tigana in Mali, Lopez in Algeria. Platini, Amoros, Genghini were the children or grandchildren of immigrants. At the 1998 World Cup, Platini would not be alone in his opinion that 'the people who talk about a black, white and beur [North African] France were 30 years late. France has been black, white and beur for a long time. I was shocked by this discussion in '98. These people do not look around themselves very much.'

By now, all four full-backs were wonderfully adventurous - Kaltz whipping in his bananenflanken, Bossis roaming forward - and they ended up more often tackling each other, overlapping, than the putative attackers. Didier Six, well placed on the six-yard line, shot tamely straight at Schumacher. At the other end, Breitner fed Briegel, who evaded Bossis's tackle and shot against the spread-eagled Ettori. The game was once more open, swaying one way then another. West German attacks were direct, pragmatic, incisive. The French either counter-attacked at thrilling speed or else slowed the tempo, worked their way slyly forwards. The better France played, the easier they made it look, trading the ball between each other, the West Germans apparently unwilling to intercept.

With less than five minutes left, Tigana picked the ball up in his own half and surged down the right past first Breitner, then Briegel, and sent a marvellous cross hanging perfectly to the far post, where in the absence of a defender Rocheteau managed to get in Six's way, depriving the winger of a clear heading opportunity. The last chance of the 90 minutes, surely.

But no. France once more gained possession. Platini laid the ball into the path of Amoros with a 20-yard gap in front of him. Amoros drove forward and from 35 yards out let fly a missile of a shot. Schumacher dived in vain, the ball flew over him, dipping, and on 90 minutes and 02 seconds hit the underside of the bar... and bounced out.

There was, necessarily, a good deal of injury time to be added, in the third minute of which Tigana lost possession to Breitner, outside the left of the France penalty area. Breitner shot towards the far post. Ettori dived to his left but fumbled the ball: it dribbled away from him and, as he scuttled after it, Klaus Fischer bore down like a bird of prey. Denied a chance all night by Janvion, he was suddenly presented with this morsel. It was a race between the tips of Ettori's gloves and the toe of Fischer's right boot, which the Frenchman just, bravely, won, poking the ball away for a corner.

One-all, at full-time.

Now the managers could talk to their players, who collapsed on the grass. Trainers, physios, subs came on to pass round water, massage the muscles of tired legs.

Those of us watching then - as now, so many years later - knew that we were witnessing something extraordinary, but few could have imagined how much more these players were to give us. In the third minute of extra time, Briegel obstructed Platini out on the right, and now something inexplicable happened. The penalty area was packed. As Giresse shaped to dispatch the free-kick, France players began to move, to dart this way and that, their markers shadowed them, and at the moment Giresse's cross arrived the middle of the penalty area was suddenly empty. Except for the French sweeper, Marius Trésor, who stood all alone just in front of the penalty spot. With perfect, joyful technique, he walloped the volley into the net.

Two-one.

The French celebrated and when play resumed there was something hectic about their movement. They dashed helter-skelter. It appears, watching the match again, as if they were intoxicated with a sense of justice. A wrong had been done, and was being put right, and the more they attacked so the more justice would be served. They broke forward again, Tigana shooting wide.

Jupp Derwall brought his injured but totemic captain, current European Footballer of the Year Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, off the bench in place of Briegel, and the substitution jolted the Germans: a shock of effort rippled through the team, sending them pulsing forward, without threatening the French goal. On the contrary. In his own half, Giresse tapped a simple free-kick up the right to Rocheteau, who advanced and squared the ball to Platini on the front edge of the penalty area. Faced with three defenders ahead of him, Platini sent the ball on across to Six on the left. Six controlled the ball and then, in his most positive contribution of the match, caressed the ball from one foot to another while others moved around him: Platini went forward then suddenly out to the right, dragging defenders with him as if magnetised. Into space in the middle came Alain Giresse, and now Six laid the ball off gently, invitingly, into his path. Giresse met the ball with the outside of his right foot, giving it a flight path that curved outside Schumacher's dive and then inside towards the goal, glancing in off the right-hand post.

Three-one, in extra-time.

France did not sit on their lead, by playing square passes simply to keep possession. They wanted to score a fourth, and surged forward. Six was fouled, another Platini free-kick. This one ripped through the wall and cannoned back off Schumacher's chest.

'Germany are dissolving,' the commentator Martin Tyler said. 'I can't remember ever saying that about a German side.' Giresse, Rocheteau, the marauding Bossis, Tigana and Platini attacked all together down the right. Six was in the middle ahead of them. This was how these musketeers would protect their lead: attack in numbers. Giresse was fouled and lay in pain. Rocheteau stopped playing to attend to his comrade, but the French retained possession and the referee waved play on. A moment later Platini was bundled off the ball: no free-kick was given and suddenly the French had lost possession with half their team stranded high upfield. Rummenigge and Littbarski combined on the vacant left, Stielike joined in, the sweeper at last making an advanced contribution with a fine pass out to Littbarski, who floated the ball forward into space at the near post between the France defence and the goalkeeper. Janvion and Rummenigge ran forward, Ettori rushed out, all three lunged but the West German got there first, and with a deft, incisive flick sent the ball past Ettori and fractionally inside the near post.

Three-two after 103 minutes.

Into the second period of extra time and, if there was a lesson to be learnt, France showed no sign of having learnt it. They seemed incapable of common sense or caution: compelled to win with swashbuckling style, they recalled the writer André Breton's dictum that 'beauty shall be convulsive, or not at all'. But all this emotion was exhausting. Tigana would keep running all night and Rocheteau remained a courageous, willing target man. Trésor was a towering figure at the heart of the defence. But all around them, one by one, French players were coming to a standstill.

West Germany advanced down the left, Littbarski crossed, Hrubesch headed back from the far post into the middle. Klaus Fischer had been dominated throughout by Bernard Janvion. But a top-class striker has to be obtuse, undismayed by all that has gone before, eternally alert to that one opportunity. There were two defenders plus the goalkeeper on the line, but Fischer met Hrubesch's lay-off with a brilliantly executed bicycle kick into the top corner.

Three-three after 108 minutes.

Janvion was limping. Platini was drained. But still the game remained open. Like two blind, exhausted fighters the teams kept going. From a West German corner Fischer knocked the ball back into the danger area. Trésor leapt to head clear and the ball was worked up to Six, who played it out to space on the right into which Tigana - clearly in pain still from an earlier collision - struggled: he reached the ball before Stielike and shot, well wide. It was the last significant action of the game. Moments later Corver blew his whistle.

'So, abominably, irrationally and unforgivably,' as Brian Glanville wrote, 'a World Cup semi-final would be decided, for the first time, on penalties.'

Giresse, Kaltz, Amoros, Breitner and Rocheteau all scored. Uli Stielike shot weakly, Ettori easily saved. Stielike collapsed, curled up on the ground. Eventually, as if his body had doubled in weight, he dragged himself up and stumbled back towards his colleagues in the centre, bent head in hands, weeping. Littbarski came to meet him, and escorted him back, arm around the older man's shoulders.

But then Didier Six shot softly to Schumacher's right, for an easy save, and Littbarski evened things up at 3-3.

Platini and Rummenigge scored. Next up came Maxime Bossis. An exact contemporary of Platini - the two born just five days apart in June 1955 - they had done their military service together in the Joinville battalion, and their 10-year international careers ran in tandem. If Platini embodied the art of this team, Bossis encapsulated its spirit, and was prime candidate for man of the match. He struck his penalty to Schumacher's right, and watched as the goalkeeper dived the same way: although the shot was a half-decent one, the save was easy enough.

Horst Hrubesch now lumbered up, and shot low and hard for the winning penalty. West Germany were through to the final.

As Jupp Derwall asserted afterwards: 'You must give my players the credit they deserve, they showed such strength of character.' And so they had. 'The taste, however,' according to Brian Glanville, 'was exceedingly sour. Michel Hidalgo, by nature quiet and moderate, condemned Corver's flaccid refereeing. "We have been eliminated brutally," he insisted.' Even in a recent interview, the wound for Hidalgo was still fresh. 'People witnessed a great injustice. The match reignited the Franco-German antagonism that had faded.'

When Schumacher was told after the match that Battiston had lost two teeth, he said: 'If that's all that's wrong, tell him I'll pay for the crowns.' In a post-World Cup poll in a newspaper for the least popular person among the French, Schumacher shaded Adolf Hitler into second place.

There are times in this sporting life when looking back only leads to disappointment; technical ability isn't quite what you remembered it to be, pace is pedestrian, professional physicality is lacking. How many of us continue to pick Pelé and Bobby Moore for our 'Ultimate World Elevens' whilst quietly fretting about how they might actually cope with the lightning-fast giants playing the game today?

But in this case....Seville, the 8th of July 1982... no such sense pervades. The memory of that event remains unassailable and true. I look forward to witnessing a better World Cup game, but I doubt that I ever will.

William Ruby

Latest list:

Best Ever World Cup Goals

Maradona (2nd) for Argentina v England 1986

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk-kXwjASEE)

Alberto for Brazil v Italy 1970 

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZdaldtVssc)

Pele for Brazil v Italy 1970 

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jz0O83sdl08)

Owen for England v Argentina 1998

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPC6Yv3BPVY)

Haan for Holland v Italy 1978 

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp_1ih86sTU)

Pele for BrazilSweden 1958 

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NYFncumAvc)

Al-Owairan for Saudi Arabia v Belgium 1994

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZ2wi08iuuM)

Eder for Brazil v Russia 1982

 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jx9KMhX4lzo)

Cambiasso for Argentina v Serbia and Montenegro 2006

 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5W6vBI3mGE)

Matthaeus for Germany v Yugoslavia 1990

 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep19w4VMhSo)