Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Latest Essay:  Things Not to Do in Life

Latest List:  My Troublesome Words


LATEST ESSAY:

Things Not to Do in Life



Boys and girls, you really should consider not: 

Buying a house on a flood plain. Going to Harrods. Dating people who you work with. Preferring deep pan pizzas. Getting very tattooed. Betting on Newcastle to win the F.A Cup. Going for one promotion too far. Having a weekend in Blackpool. Wearing grey cotton in warm weather. Using your smart phone on the street in Newham. Paying for expensive gym membership in early January. 

Attending rock concerts in Hyde Park. Avoiding spending time with your parents. Expecting England to go beyond the quarter finals this time. Reading Harry Potter if you’re more than thirteen. Watching any Hollywood film released in the summer. Relying on black Lycra. Discussing immigration in a Dagenham pub. Believing your bum is too big….it never will be. Drinking red wine and strong lager in the same evening.  

Voting Tory because they’re better at the economy. Telling new friends that you are good at a sport until you have confirmation that they are not. Letting the waiter bully you into having bottled water. Letting the waiter keep pouring your wine. Driving in Essex. Exaggerating your salary. Contemplating a threesome. Camping in woodland in Scotland in the summer. Telling your boyfriend that a former relationship was no good because it was only about the sex. Putting travel off. 

Keeping goldfish. Wearing too much make-up. Wearing make-up every day. Wasting precious time on the Premiership. Expecting Australia to be as good as they say it is. Using the post office on Thursday morning. Watching any drama on ITV starting at 9 p.m. Failing to respond to any stranger suggesting you ‘cheer up’ by informing them that your sister has just been murdered in Detroit. Voting on X Factor but not voting in elections. Jogging any distance in boxer shorts. Not having as much sex as possible. 

Displaying your own photos as art. Getting a night bus when sober. Working somewhere because your friends do. Tasting wine you've ordered rather than just smelling it. Going to Robbie Williams concerts and doing his singing for him. Cooking vegetables without salt. Reading autobiographies of celebrities who are not yet at least fifty. Being over-familiar with the boss. Drinking weak coffee. Adding too much ketchup. Avoiding anchovies.  

Overestimating the warmth between female friends. Underestimating the warmth between male friends. Denying the allure of schadenfreude. Expecting empathy to last. Undervaluing your grandparents’ experiences. Dismissing live theatre. Wet shaving without hot water.

Living above a chicken shop. Gambling in Vegas. Neglecting foreign languages. Being too keen at the beginning of a relationship. Being too cool at the beginning of a relationship. Worrying too much about body hair. Always getting to the pub first. Cycling in London. Going for a curry on Brick Lane. Getting rid of old leather jackets. Hating Shakespeare.

Wearing denim with denim. Growing a goatee when overweight. Dismissing the benefits of flossing. Believing all Americans are like Texans. Investing in friends’ businesses. Visiting Slough. Hiring a car in Kenya. Buying frozen roast potatoes. Going to the cinema when people under 21 may also be there and expecting to listen to the film. Going for messed-up girls because they’re bound to be better in bed. Thinking you can change a bad boy because you’re special. Putting the chip pan on after coming home from the pub. Playing golf with people who have handicaps and swing coaches. Skiing with people who have skied since they were four.  

Flying Aeroflot on a foggy day. Agreeing to talk to Christ Scientists on Tottenham Court Road. Rushing a good lunch. Discussing ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ as literature. Choosing a north-facing balcony. Taking your socks off after your trousers in front of a beautiful woman. Grabbing a thistle when slipping over in a meadow. Showing off by eating all the lime pickle. Picking a fight in South Auckland. Wearing red trousers unless you’re an actor. Telling a New Yorker to get over 9/11. 

Saving for a rainy day. Thinking it can’t happen to you. Expecting something to turn up.

Failing to live all you can. 

William Ruby


LATEST LIST:     My Troublesome Words


             augur
             bouillabaisse
             Caesarean
             coliseum or Coloseum
             flammable or inflammable
             Neandertal
             pizzeria
             prophecy or prophesy
             restaurateur
             supersede

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